Whoo for me
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I got a first!
Enjoying the new basement jaxx album immensely. It should have won the mercury music prize... not that I've heard much of the other albums which were up. Altho, I've just found myself with a copy of the zutons album and that's good and meaty. but it's not basement jaxx. is it.
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ok well what have I been up to. Had a really nice week's holiday in mallorca, which was great. I switched off my mobile and left it behind, such a good feeling. not that I don't love my friends to pieces, a week away from everything was very nice. didn't do much, went out to sea with my sister (never again) and jumped off a boat into the sea (also, never again)... everything tasted of salt for the rest of that day. also, there were NO fish. quite disappointing - i think we were on the set of apocalypse fish or something... but then i think (judging by what I was eating all week)... I know where they all went.
since then, we had a big party thing when we got back for my sister's birthday, and now she's left for warsaw. rather her than me. she seems to go somewhere different each september at the moment, but mum reckons she actually wants to settle down in the place she was last year (a very distant corner of eastern europe). she went back there to visit a couple of days ago, and then rang up from warsaw sounding TERRIBLE. probably the first time i've ever thought she didn't sound happy on the phone to be in a foreign country. I think she was just pissed off not to be in the previous place, and now she has to do loads of training before she can start teaching in the school in warsaw. i'm sure she'll settle into it in a couple of weeks.
i told her to behave like a fresher - i mean, when you first start uni you have to drop all of those 'i look so stupid, nobody will like me' thoughts, and approach people in your classes. If you don't do it, you're gonna be very bored. so that was my pep-talk to her.
as for me, i'm just packing up to go back to uni... it's gonna be three of us next year in the house, I was there a few days ago sorting out danni's contracts and blah. it's gonna be non-stop next year we'll probably have a party every weekend.
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well... it's not literally killing me, but work is draining all the life out of my arms and legs. It makes me quite sad really, on friday i tried to become one of those 'ho hum... i've still got half the sun to read i suppose' people, but then i realised i have a phobia of letting anyone down anymore than is necessary. i mean, i'm there to do a job and i'm bloody well gonna do it, even tho this week's evidence has shown that i could do more or less nothing and still earn the same money. this way i will have my money and be really satisfied that i tried really hard to get it.
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it's not just me tho. everyone at work who knows how to walk is tearing their hair out over the people who don't. typical example, a kid had a major nasal explosion yuck, blood everywhere all over the floor and most other kids... and i asked one of the laziest ones if they could go and grab me a pair of latex gloves.
me - 'can you grab me a pair of latex gloves so i don't have to touch the blood?'
them - 'ok, where are they?'
me - 'in the first aid kit'.
them - 'ok, where is that?'
me - 'in the store room'
at this point i expected them to ask me where that was, but no such hilarity. baring in mind they have already been at work 3 weeks, not knowing where the first aid kit is... it really scares me. i better not lose a leg near them in future, that's all i'm saying.
what else. been doing the rounds as per usual, looking forward to a week in the sun very soon in mallorca, haven't been there since I was about 6 so i'm thinking that same ice cream person won't be there. oh well. after that, i'm treking back to uni to sort my house out and go back into the bosom of the uni world. looking forward to it. had my first 'oooh' feeling about uni just a moment ago. but it will be the final year. quite scary if i think about it too long.
it's time to fix things, not that i can understand a word of that song apart from the fix up look sharp line, i still believe it all. today is my last official day off before i'm back to looking after other people's children, but i got some practice in yesterday by taking my mum's 3 year old goddaughter down to the shops.
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the kid is like a child genius. we got to the cafe and she said 'this is the place with the pink bathrooms' but she hadn't been in there since she was 2. mad stuff like that kept happening... i think her brain is much bigger than mine, because i never remember stuff like that.
as for fixing things, it turns out (drum roll) that i may indeed have a new housemate next year. it's all very exciting and cool and totally unexpected, but things seem to be working out just fine. despite our landlady being a complete weirdo and demanding we disinfect everything in there right down to the skirting boards. she hasn't seen my mates' houses, that's all i keep saying. two of my bloke mates have rats walking the floorboards at night and giving them the beady eyes when they go for a piss.
maybe it's time for a lyric or three.
or maybe i can't think of any.
into a dream, I took a turn, and promised to return
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the way we were, the way we met, the way I lit your cigarette
the way it trailed, into a stream, and lay down between
you had to choose, a side to lose, and divide yourself in two
the way you were, long before, you were a walkin' civil war
but you forget, where the road goes, and tonite it shows
into your soul, I tried to climb, but found the hole to high
for me to leave, the way I'd learned, and found I couldn't turn
the way the trees, and fallin' rain, remind me in a way
the way you were, the day we met, the way I lit your cigarette
the way it changed, into a strange, Cole Porter phrase
but you forget, how the song goes, and tonite it shows
this false fire
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used to burn
so bright for you
half-hoping one day you might
really feel how you act
but it made a mistake on you
and now someone has to put it out.
I could spit petrol about the times
you fed the flame
i could force you into it
taking the blame
but these glowing embers
by which i warm my hands
would hear your words
and still not understand
that the fire lighters were fake
and the smoke wasn't real.
How much fuel did you want me to take?
How did you expect me to feel?
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it's that time of year - my room is a mass of plastic boxes full of things (all of which are completely necessary to the next ten weeks of my life of course), and i can't really go in there now for fear of breaking my ankle. I think i actually did break my ankle quite some time ago now in a night club somewhere and it's never fully recovered. I guess that could be due to me just hobbling around on it for 6 weeks after that until it stopped hurting. bless it, it swelled up like a mini balloon, and i became that person people avoid walking across the park. the one with the limp.
anyway that's beside the point. being at home has driven me mad even more than usual this time. I've felt claustrophobic even when standing in the open air with nothing for miles around, and i've put this down to something about the air in surrey, the particles must be closer together, they fill up my lungs extra quick and make me want to scream, something along the lines of 'get me out of here you hairy bastard'. i haven't tried it, but then if i did everything i repress in my sub conscious, i'd get committed.
I've done all the usual stuff, seen people from home and people from uni in London, driven a fair bit from place to place singing to myself along with tapes which i can't remember making around the time i passed my test. It's weird now, i find myself constantly fummbling for the fast forward button - tastes, along with everything else in life, alter pretty quickly. i think i've forgotten a hell of a lot of stuff, which came to me when i cleared out my room for a day these holidays and began flicking through an old diary. I was so angry and insane once i'd read it, i contemplated throwing it away, but i've decided to wait until that stage where i'm putting books in attics and laughing about what they say. I just can't believe what a lunatic i was a while ago.
that's not to say i no longer have the same sense of humour, i'm sure i do, but life seems populated by so many different people nowadays that that seems to be all i have, just differences. it's amazing to me how quickly people can disappear, whether you want them to or not. sometimes it upsets me, sometimes it amuses me, and sometimes (like the time reading my old diary) it makes me feel sick. but then last night my friend adam advised me to sew a big orange boiler suit. and i realised that all in all i'm a much happier person than i was this time last year or the year before.
so tomorrow it's back to the house. I'm the first back, and becky is returning in the evening. this gives me lots of time to wander about 'fixing' things in very 'useful' ways.
have been thinking about wheeling the piano into my bedroom, but seeing as it's only my bedroom for a couple more months (I'm moving upstairs from september), i don't think there's much point. The damn thing makes so many scary noises i think too much pressure on one end could cause it to fall apart completely. my dad has performed a series of inspections on it and thinks that some kind of animal lives in it. altho, what it might be eating is a mystery to us all. I'm convinced, however, that something has definately chewed through a couple of the strings, explaining why when you press the keys... nothing happens.
it should be a fun afternoon. someone is coming to look round the house (and take over my room) on tuesday night. his emails so far seem pretty much like he's more or less decided to take it, but then he hasn't even seen it yet and owing to the fact he's not just a man but a french man, i hope the walls of fame and shame and the wall of men doesn't put him off. my friends wouldn't have me take them down just to get a housemate, they've become a part of the history of the place. it has become impossible now to move in with someone that me and becky know. we started by asking our best friends who were undecided about where they were living, but when people are your best friends they NEVER give straight answers. they either want to spare your feelings or think that owing to their best friend status they can have a year to think about it. i've stopped worrying about getting someone in who neither of us know, seeing as the way things are between the three of us at the moment is a bit like me and becky have a lodger anyway. and beware, she bites. woof.
this term i have several 'new term' resolutions. I'm going to step up the work ethic, but also i'm going to walk even further every day. I'm well known for my allergy to buses so i walk to everybody's houses... and if i didn't walk to uni i would be seen as a bit of a freak as it would take longer to get the bus. anyway i need to lose a bit of weight... just a bit.
well anyway. if anyone wants to write to me or something just 'comment me' and i'll let you know the address.
have been very very very busy lately. although that's no excuse, it isn't really intended to be one.
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so here's what's happening.
List of what's been happening.
1.) I'm still me, term has been going great, uni is generally the busiest but most fun version of life i've ever been part of, and i'm very happy to stay there forever and ever. as it goes, i did really well in my exams, (better than i'd ever imagined really) and I'm going to stay on for a fourth year after the degree, to do another one.
2.) socially things are madness, but considering nobody ever wants a boring list of who is who and what they all do and how great they all are, i won't go into it.
every night of the week has a different person's name on it at the moment, but i've got no thoughts of slowing down. it's taken me a while to decide which of the people i said hello to in fresher's week are the ones who will stay around as my mates for a long time to come... and now i have them.
I don't really believe in what some people tell me about uni mates, how they will always just be 'uni mates', and i'll lose touch with them. i think that if we all work at it and make the effort we will be mates long after our crazy student lives have slowed down.
3.) love life wise, a couple of guys have come and gone over the last few months, but with the life style i have, i don't have many days of the week to devote to anyone inparticular. i don't even have one 'best' friend at uni, so maybe i don't have the time for one 'boyfriend'. or maybe i've missed 'mr right' walking past when i've been too busy trying to get the floor to stay in the same place at the pub.
4.) 'home' is nowhere land. but in surrey things are slower... only slightly... i've got a whole heap of work to get under my belt before i can go back to uni. sometimes i need to be locked up and just put at a desk... i've got several essays to write, and half of one done... it's not a lot of fun. my sister is living in poland, which is interesting, but she is coming back in june when her contract runs out. i'm working on the playscheme again over the summer... (i was tempted by a hefty bonus) and the 'rents are ok if you ignore the fact that my dad is pretty ill, and seems to be recovering more than a little bit slowly.
ok well that's all folks
ok, so having been told that i suck big time, i figured i will write something on here about... well, what's going on with me and how come i don't update on my journal anymore.
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there was no conscious decision that i wasn't going to update on my journal anymore, but lately the routine of my life just hasn't included any internet time. that's not because i don't have to live online constantly for my course, because i do, but it does mean i always seem to log off without doing a journal update.
being in my house is great but because i actually live there, the time when i might have been having an extra half hour at uni to update my journal because i didn't fancy the bus trip back to halls is over, and now i can just walk for five minutes from uni and i'm at my front door. also, the time when i could be waiting in the library for a computer is gone too. now i'm just in there to get the books.
the course has seriously gone crazy. to say it is a lot of hard work is an understatement. i need to do really well, because i've decided i'm going to stay for a fourth year after the next one, and i need good marks if they will give me money to do that. it's a work-hard play even harder situation while i'm at uni, which can mean i'm up at 9 for a lecture, and out til 5am going clubbing and then back to someone's house. i survive on very little sleep, food or nutrients, but i would still go insane without my 'too much to do' problem, which is why i love uni so much. nowadays i don't sit still for more than 10 minutes at a time.
still there are plenty of things going on to stress me out, i've got the first big exams that count coming up in january, and my dad is going back into hospital during the exams. it's certainly going to be fun to be me for the next couple of months, but of course all the right distractions will be around to take my mind off it all.
anyway, life apart from the stress is all good.
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blimey, it seems like ages since i put anything on here, and i have so much to say, so little time as usual, but everything is great, the love life is rosy, mates are all good, going to flaming lips concert soon! can't wait!
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right, well off to uni tomorrow, apologies to those who have not received a personalised goodbye, but decision to go now is so i can sort out my life and not have to rush into lectures and other crap straight away. ok well off i go, keep in touch, will let people know my address.
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so am back from barcelona, it was so cool... it's not exactly like i'd expected... being used to the unorganised london atmosphere, this city is actually laid out in little squares, planned like that. quite cool really, well easy to find your way about on a map. all except the city centre is nicely laid out, but then you can get completely lost right in the middle. there's loads to see, so we didn't have enough time really. i mean, there's all the gaudi stuff, which is amazing. his madness was unbelievable. the whole ceramic tile thing gets me the most. it goes past weirdness. they are building his catherdral there. he designed it, and died, and so they're building it anyway, and it's the most amazing building i've ever seen. it totally got me, the whole commercial part of it, and then the whole amazing building thing. they must be making a mint out of the people who want to go in and watch them building it, they can't possibly be planning to finish it. i thought about it, happening nowadays in London. say damien hirst (dead cow head guy) dies, and leaves all these plans for a massive building, completely before his time and totally modern beyond our capabilties, we'd just leave it at that, hang the plan up on a wall in an art gallery. wouldn't we?
been pretty busy seeing people before i go back to uni (drum roll) on SUNDAY! i can't wait, so excited, the family and i have decided to go back a week early, we are all going pretty numb with boredom.
my friend from work got married on friday night, it was so cool, the first wedding i've ever been to in fact, even though i was only going along for the reception. they are off on a world tour honeymoon until christmas now, and they leave tomorrow. i don't know, i wouldn't exactly want my wedding reception to be a party and an adios aswell. it was kind of sad, but brilliant to, a fantastic outing for the fab new toy (the camera)... it's so cool.
so the next night was my sister's leaving party, she's off to poland for a year tomorrow. i'm totally used to her just getting up and leaving for years and years, i think we've all got used to the idea that seeing as she speaks fluent french and spanish, and soon fluent polish, she's not gonna live in this country for very long again. now she's graduated, she doesn't have to. she's off now to teach english to the polish. and i guess, drink the vodka. i'm saving up to fly back out there when she comes back for xmas. that is assuming she might atleast come back for xmas day at the least, i will fly back with her, maybe stay for new year, then fly home.
anyway, we had all of her friends round for the big send off, it was a lot of fun (despite feeling like utter crap from the wedding the night before). everyone stayed the night and then well into sunday afternoon, i think we've all just about recovered now.
i'm hoping to work out how to post pics from my new camera up here so that next term can be documented and be much more fun.
whenever the next thing
might drag you along
but you won't be forgotton for long
whenever you hurt me
because of my years
but i'll wipe away most of the tears
whenever you beat me
because i was wrong
but put bandages on and be strong
whenever you want me
to make you some tea
but i won't make an extra for me
whenever you ask me
if i'll wave you off
even though the sea air makes me cough
whenever you tell me
you still really care
and just go on being there
i used to feel fine
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you were to be mine
i need direction
to take me to you
first message to surreylass give me a ring when you are next around, keep getting your house all engaged - not sure if it's just me - but as you said you were only there for picking up post reasons, give me a ring when you are next there... of course you can always come over here and surprise me, i'm never far away now i'm not working, and i'm away between the 1st and the 4th, but that's all.
ok now i've done the announcements section - there wasn't much of it - i have a new toy!!! yes, a digital camera! i'm so happy! i was especially happy after several encounters with good looking men in buying the camera... how helpful! ok, so i'm still in a bit of pain after the money i spent, but how cool... it's dead funky, so pics soon! yay!!!!!! i even (shock horror) went to the bank and hid some of my new found money away - clever me - where i can't get to it... before i went and splashed the cash in electronic shops. i'm one of those people who it really isn't hard to sell the expensive thing to... i'm like 'ooh, it's so much prettier!' i'll have that one!
who gives a shit, i earnt it. i keep making myself think that way.
ok well time to go.
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so my work is done. it's a shame really, i was beginning to enjoy it, but it's all over. never mind, i'm going to buy a digital camera! hurrah! can't wait. i've got the catalogue, i keep mulling over which one i want, and i keep settling on a very pretty looking one, which seems to be £50 more expensive than the others, for no reason. oh well, that's just the way it works i suppose. anyway, a brand new toy, i'm really looking forward to taking it to Barcelona - yup, i'm going to Barcelona soon! that's gonna be really cool. a chance to top up the tan, see some seriously good picasso and that gaudi catherdral, do some shopping, eat some tapas... yay! i'm only going for four days, but my sister is fluent in spanish and has been three times to Barca already, so she's got it all planned what we are going to get up to. I don't really mind, as long as i can check out some cheap fashion - apparently some of the british high street shops originate from spain and that makes them much cheaper there.
anyway, after all that i'm going to a wedding the next day for one of the girls from work, and then i've got my sisters leaving party the next night. after that, it's decision time about when to go back to uni. ah, uni... can't wait to see everyone again.
really looking forward to giving the house the personal touch, covering everything in cushions, it's gonna be so cool to call it 'ours'. who knows, i might stay longer than the next 2 years. ok well, with all this new money in the bank, i'm pretty tempted to pick up some music from amazon. well, it's bank holiday monday, what else is there to do?
am a happy bunny. work was a happy place today, everyone was in a good mood. we've got a bouncy castle at the moment, i think we're on it more than the kids. am having a party on wednesday night for work at my place, it's cool, i've got that exciting 'having a party' feeling. :)
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so what else. today is kyp's birthday, happy birthday mate the drinks will be on me in september.
i've got a new cd so am a little preoccupied listening to it. it's teenage
fanclub's greatest hits, they've done a lot of stuff i like, so instead of finding an album in the back catalogue, i found the greatest hits, which then took about a month to arrive on the internet. so i'm pleased.
what else... i had a thought today about the attitudes of other people.
we've all done it, but some people do it a little to often i guess - believing that they are the centre of the universe. the whole 'listen to my problem, what could be more important' attitude pisses me off. in my a levels i learnt that someone with autism can't appreciate another person's feelings, can't judge them, can't know their point of view. and that's why someone with autism sometimes can't communicate, can't relate. i understand it completely, and i see it in so many people it's unbelievable. it's probably connected to the 'seeing yourself as the centre of the universe' thing. a lot of the kids at work do it, i guess it's all about doing something without knowing the concequences of their actions for someone else. but then, a lot of adults do it. people make me wonder. people who i know definately don't have a serious problem, they just do things without thinking. i guess we've all done it, like i said... sometimes i know i can do something then suddenly realised what i said or did was bad taste. but then some people really need to look at themselves and ask the question.
ok well that's enough of that.
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the man in the background keeps looking at me
his eyes might have something to say
he's holding his coffee cup interestingly
in a menacing, cold kind of way
he's got a tight jacket but baggy shirt sleeves
and a face that's been out in the rain
got a sad baseball cap on the table in front
doesn't want to be put on again
he looks older than me like a song he has sung
which will never get radio play
like he wants to be sat on the bottom-most rung
coz he might get more credit that way
because music's a lifeline that everyone loves
it's a shame that i don't understand
i can still hear his words on the back of my neck
can't believe i've not heard of this band
the man's walking over, it took him a while
pretend i don't know why he's here
the coffee cup - finished, remembers a time
when he'd never drink hot drinks, just beer
and i want him to speak if it's only to say
that's he's sorry, or stare at the floor
i expected no less from the guy i once knew-
he walked out through the coffee shop door.
good thought of the day - bob dylan lyrics are amazing.
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ok, so my day in brief - we took the kids on a trip a boat trip then ending up at a park, and one of them went completely skitz and ran off, scaling all these fences, and had to be dragged back kicking and screaming. he ran into some bushes and when i followed him he just screamed and screamed as if he was being murdered. the police car rolled up but nobody got out - they probably were too scared of the noise. one of us phoned the boss while i was practically having to sit on this child to get it to stop kicking. it bit me. it broke my identification. it wasn't a good advert really. the boss turned up and told me i shouldn't have done anything, i should have let the kid run off. there is a river running through the park.
ok well apart from that, work has been good lately. we all went out for a group bonding drinking night, had a really nice meal and crashed out in the pub. the weather has got better so it's been cool, i've been outside playing cricket, i feel like i'm brushing up on those skills i never actually got at school. been getting a tan/red marks, whatever people want to call it. oh, and congratulations to becky at work, who just got exactly the same grades as me in the same subjects and is off to the same uni - but not to do the same course. he he - apparantly, she's gonna run to me in a crisis. not sure how much use i can be, i probably won't know the way to most of the places, but hey.
so generally, that's the news.
gotta go, sun burn hurts. sorry, tan hurts.
so just when work was getting into a routine, the summer has kinda hit. i got into my car on the way back from work yesterday and the temperature thing said 36. that's pretty hot for england, right?
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ok so it wasn't so hot today, all in all work is ok, just very very tiring. i'm always back home feeling like i've been run over by a bus, but i'm getting a bit of a tan so i can't complain. of course the kids are still a nightmare, today one of them tried to flood the bathroom, but hey... what can we do, except decide not to have any ourselves?
ok well i wanted to write about something else, so here it is. 'that' feeling. some people probably think it's deja-vu, thinking you've already done something before, like you've already played out the exact situation. i sometimes wonder whether deja-vu is that feeling i get sometimes when i'm doing something like writing an address on a letter or cutting up some paper for one of the kids at work, when i suddenly stop concentrating on it because i seriously believe that what i am doing is in the past. therefore i don't have to concentrate because i've already done it. weird.
ok, but the feeling i wanted to talk about is for me, 'that' feeling. i don't know if it might be some people's idea of deja-vu or not. well here it is. i'll get up (nowadays way too early), and i'll start doing something, like driving to work. and my mind will be wandering. and suddenly i will think about someone completely random, from the back of my mind, maybe someone at uni who i don't see a lot, or someone in the family etc, who i rarely ever think about or see. and i'll think, 'why am i thinking about this person' and suddenly i'll remember them in a dream i'd had the night before, that before thinking of them i didn't know i had. and suddenly the whole dream will flood right back, and i'll just 'know' that i dreamt it all the night before, forgot about it, and then only remembered it then.
i really hate that feeling. it makes me feel a bit sick. especially if i'm thinking about someone who i've been angry at in the past or something. i feel like 'why the hell do i have to dream about them?' it's so strange, it makes me stop whatever i'm doing (well, slow down if i'm driving) and just think it all over again. and especially if it's a bizarre memory, i'll be really confused about how come right there and then i decided to remember it.
maybe that's some people's deja-vu, or maybe it's time that the men in white coats came over.
gave birth to 21 evil children from hell.
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yes, i am living on the set on a horror film. i don't remember the name of it, but i think it's the one where an entire town becomes pregnant at once and all these twins appear and they all look the same. AGGGH!
ok, so yesterday i took 21 kids to a children's farm. the day started out with a problem, mainly that the farm is a 40 minute or so drive away from the base according to the boss, and it turned into an hour and a half because of a stupid driver. on the way back we were stuck with 21 screaming kids on a bus for a further two hours of traffic on a motorway. great.
it was one of those hands on farms. kids with rabbits that they could pick up, so they started lobbing them at other people. i've never screamed at anyone as much in my life. i hope they all complain to their parents and don't come back.
on a lighter note, well, a half lighter note i suppose, tonight i get to see my surrogate brother who i haven't seen (his fault) since boxing day. or heard from come to think of it. he forgot my birthday, he didn't reply to any of my messages, and he pissed my mum off so much that she has invited him for dinner for a proper grilling. hurrah, i'm seriously looking forward to making him squirm. trust me, i'm great at that.
ooh, i just bought teenage fanclub's greatest hits. how i love internet shopping, it doesn't feel as painful as actually parting with real money in a shop, and all these parcels arrive which i can pretend i didn't pay for. fab.
a poem for a friend.
suppose it's true
what did you think would happen
summer going by
without a word
yet somehow i'm still here
ready for your call
preparing myself for the worst
in the past
who did you think i could be
a nobody who waits
without a word
sitting poking a smoked out fire
with a useless stick
by the phone
waiting for news from your camp
got no home
or no mind
so blame me completely - it's me
i'm the one in the wrong
i shouldn't move on
or close your familiar doors
just stick like glue and glitter
to your fingers or your mind
waiting for them both to